How to Stop Overthinking in Dating

Dating can turn you into a psycho.

You didn't realise you had it in you until you like someone. 🤣

You can be a perfectly rational, functioning adult who makes sensible decisions at work, pays your bills, remembers your dentist appointments and somehow manages to keep a houseplant alive. Then you meet someone you really like, and suddenly you've lost the plot.

You're checking your phone, then checking it again, then wondering why you checked it when you literally just checked it. You replay the conversation from last night and start questioning whether you talked too much, seemed too keen or should have said something differently. Then you remember something they said three days ago and decide it probably had a hidden meaning.

And now you're analysing something that happened on Tuesday at 11:47am like it's a murder mystery.

Welcome to overthinking in dating.

Why does dating make us overthink so much?

Because dating comes with something our brains absolutely hate: uncertainty.

You don't know if they like you. You don't know where it's going. You don't know whether you'll see them again or whether this could become a relationship. And when you don't know something, your brain wants an answer. Immediately!

So you start looking for one. You check their messages, look at their social media, ask your friends, replay conversations and analyse their tone. For a little while, it feels like you're doing something productive, but you're not.

That's the trap. Overthinking sends you into a loop where the next thought comes, then the next, and before you know it, you've convinced yourself something is wrong and you're double texting to get reassurance. Then you're sitting there thinking, "Fuck, have I come across too keen?"

You think, "If I can just figure out what they meant, why they haven't replied or what I should say next, I'll feel better."

Except you don't.

You get an answer from your friend and feel better for twenty minutes, then another thought appears. So you analyse that one, and then another, and another. Before you know it, you've spent an entire afternoon thinking about someone who hasn't even entered your house.

So, relax! ... 😂 Bet that got you going.

That's not clarity. That's rumination.

Your phone is making this worse

Let's be honest, dating before smartphones must have been so peaceful.

You went on a date, went home and then... you waited. There wasn't a way to know whether someone was online. You couldn't see that they'd watched your story, liked someone else's photo or been active on their phone while apparently ignoring your message.

Now we have access to information constantly, and our brains have decided every tiny piece of it must mean something. They're online, they haven't replied, they're online again, still no reply, they've posted a story, still no reply.

Congratulations, you've now spent 45 minutes gathering absolutely useless data.

More information doesn't always create more certainty. Sometimes it just gives anxiety more material to work with.

And then there's the little dopamine hit you get when your phone lights up and it's them. You open the message, feel good for a moment, the conversation ends and suddenly you're waiting for the next one. Before long, your brain starts associating their messages with emotional reassurance. Message equals relief, no message equals anxiety.

Suddenly someone you've been dating for two weeks has somehow become responsible for your mood.

Absolutely not.

Don't make someone you've just met your emotional weather system, because Hurricane Katrina is coming!

You can really like someone. You can be excited about them, think they're drop-dead gorgeous and hope it goes somewhere, while still having a life that doesn't revolve around whether they text you.

Their message should be part of your day, not the thing determining whether you have a good day. If you wake up happy because they texted you, miserable because they didn't, excited because they liked your story and devastated because they didn't, you've given someone way too much power.

And the funny thing is, they might not even know they're doing it. This isn't about blaming them. It's about taking your power back.

Keep your life going. See your friends. Go to the gym. Work on your career. Make plans. Have hobbies. Go away for the weekend. Do you! People who have things going on are exciting. People who sit around waiting for a text... don't make me say it! 😂

When your life is full, you don't notice the whole day has gone by and then suddenly get a little text from someone that might brighten your day. That's how it should feel. A nice addition to your life, not the thing your entire day revolves around.

Stop trying to control the outcome

Overthinking is often an attempt to control something you can't control.

You think, "If I say the right thing, they'll like me." Or, "If I don't text too much, I won't scare them off." Maybe you think playing it cool will make them want you more.

But dating isn't a fucking maths equation. There isn't a perfect combination of texts, timing, outfits, jokes and strategic unavailability that guarantees someone will fall in love with you.

People have their own preferences, experiences, baggage, personalities and timing. You cannot control how someone feels about you by finding the perfect thing to say.

And thank fuck for that, because imagine having to perform perfectly for someone to stay interested. That's exhausting.

You don't need to become less interested, less available or less yourself just to try to control how someone responds to you.

You don't have to solve every feeling

Sometimes you feel anxious and immediately think, "Something must be wrong."

Not necessarily.

You might just be anxious.

You don't need to investigate every feeling, find the reason for it, send a message to fix it or ask someone else for reassurance. Sometimes you can simply think, "I'm feeling anxious right now. Interesting," and continue with your day.

A feeling isn't an instruction. Just because you feel like contacting them doesn't mean you need to. Just because you're worried doesn't mean something bad is happening, and just because you're uncertain doesn't mean you need an answer immediately.

That takes practice. You are learning to sit with a feeling without immediately doing something about it.

Stop rehearsing conversations that haven't happened

This one is a biggie.

You imagine telling them how you feel, then imagine how they'll respond, then imagine your response to their response. Before you know it, you've had an entire relationship inside your own head.

And they haven't even replied to your last message. 😂

Your brain is trying to prepare you for every possible outcome so you don't get hurt, but unfortunately, it doesn't work. You can't rehearse your way out of vulnerability.

If something needs to be said, say it. If you need clarity, ask. If you don't know yet, wait.

Just stop having imaginary arguments in the shower. You're exhausting yourself.

Are you actually overthinking, or are you avoiding something?

This is where I think we need to be honest with ourselves.

Sometimes you're overthinking because you're anxious. Other times, you're overthinking because you already know something isn't sitting right with you, but you don't want to admit it.

Maybe you're worried they'll reject you. Maybe you're scared you'll get hurt. Maybe you like them more than they like you. Or maybe you're simply not comfortable with not knowing what happens next.

Ask yourself, "What am I actually afraid is going to happen?"

Not what do you think they're doing. What are you afraid of?

And then, so what?

If they reject you, you'll survive.

If they don't like you back, it will hurt, but you'll survive.

If it doesn't work out, it doesn't mean there is something wrong with you.

Sometimes the fear becomes much bigger in your head than the actual thing you're afraid of.

You are allowed to not know yet

This might be the hardest lesson in dating. You don't get to know the ending.

You might really like someone and have absolutely no idea whether this is going anywhere. That's okay. You don't need to know.

Your job isn't to predict the future. Your job is to experience the person in front of you. Enjoy the date, have the conversation, see how you feel, go home and get on with your life.

And remember, if you've been dating someone for two weeks, they are not your fucking future yet. 😂 They're a person you're getting to know.

Dating becomes a lot more enjoyable when you're not constantly trying to skip ahead to the part where you know whether it worked out.

And if something genuinely needs to be discussed, fucking ask. I'm all for learning to manage your own emotions, but sometimes people use "don't overthink" as an excuse to avoid communication.

If you're confused about something important, ask. If your needs aren't being met, communicate them. If you want to know where someone stands after you've been dating for a reasonable amount of time, have the conversation.

Healthy communication will always beat silent speculation.

I'd much rather you ask a direct question and get an answer than spend three weeks trying to decode something in your head.

You don't need to become less sensitive

I don't want you walking away from this thinking you need to become some emotionless dating robot.

You don't.

If you like someone, you're probably going to think about them. You're going to get excited when they text. You might even feel nervous.

That's dating. You're human.

The goal isn't to care less. It's to stay connected to yourself while you care.

You can be excited without becoming obsessed. You can be nervous without panicking. You can want someone without needing them. You can hope it works without needing to know that it will.

You can really, really like someone while still remembering that they are a person you're getting to know, not your entire fucking future.

So, how do you stop overthinking in dating?

You stop treating every thought like a fact. You stop checking your phone every five minutes and looking for meaning in every tiny interaction. You stop trying to control the outcome and stop asking ten people what they think before asking yourself.

Keep your own life. Let yourself feel anxious without immediately reacting to it. If something needs to be communicated, communicate it. If there isn't anything you can actually do, get on with your day.

Because confidence in dating isn't knowing exactly what someone else is thinking. It's knowing that whatever happens, you'll be okay.

They might like you. They might not. It might turn into something incredible. It might end after two dates. You might get your heart broken. You might meet someone who completely surprises you.

You don't know.

And that's the point.

Dating isn't a test where you need to figure out the answer before the exam starts. It's an experience.

So put the phone down. Stop analysing the tone. Go and do something you enjoy, and let yourself experience dating instead of trying to control it.

Because sometimes the hottest thing you can do isn't playing hard to get. It's being secure enough to say:

"I like you. I don't know where this is going, and I'm okay with finding out."

Now THAT is confidence.