Who Pays for the First Date? My Take

Let’s address one of the great modern dating debates:

Who the hell pays for the first date?

My opinion is pretty simple.

The man pays.

Yep. I said it.

And before anyone gets their knickers in a twist, I’m not saying women can’t pay for their own dinner. Of course we can. We’ve got jobs, bank accounts and probably got our shit together. 😂

This isn’t about whether a woman can pay. It’s about whether a man chooses to be chivalrous.

Just this once

If you’ve asked me what should happen on the first date, I think the man should pay.

After that? Take turns. Split things if that’s what works for you. You get dinner, she gets the next one. She plans the date, she pays. Whatever feels natural.

Because I’m not advocating for some 1950s arrangement where the man funds every meal while the woman sits there clutching her pearls, although…would be nice.

I’m talking about the first date.

If you’ve asked her out, chosen the venue and made the effort to organise the evening, there’s something lovely about saying, “I’ve got this one.”

It’s not really about the money. It’s the gesture.

It says, I invited you, I wanted to spend time with you, and I’m happy to take care of this.

And honestly, when did that become such a controversial concept?

Chivalry isn’t dead. Is it?

I think we’ve become so obsessed with making everything perfectly equal that we’ve forgotten something important:

Equal doesn’t always mean identical.

You can absolutely believe in equality and still appreciate a man opening the door, making the reservation, walking you to your car or picking up the first-date bill.

Those things don’t make a woman less independent.

They make the man thoughtful.

And that’s what chivalry is to me. It’s not about superiority or women being incapable of looking after themselves. It’s about thoughtfulness, consideration and making the person you’re with feel cared for.

What about same-sex relationships?

Fair question, and it deserves a proper answer.

In this world, the traditional rules are often thrown out the window and boundaries can be crossed. That’s the reality of dating. Not every relationship fits neatly into a man-pays, woman-receives model.

But if we’re talking about two people in a monogamous same-sex relationship, I still think a similar principle can apply.

In many relationships, one person naturally takes on more of the protector role. I’ve seen it. I’ve witnessed it. Sometimes one person is more naturally inclined to organise, lead, provide or make the other feel looked after.

That doesn’t make the relationship less equal. It simply means people bring different energies and strengths into a partnership.

But here’s the thing: you can’t always know who will take on that role on the first date.

Actually, you probably will get a sense of it pretty quickly. But for the purpose of this particular debate, I think the rule is simple:

Whoever asked for the date and arranged the date pays.

You chose the venue. You made the plan. You invited the other person into your time and effort. So picking up the bill is a thoughtful way to finish what you started.

After that, the same rules apply: take turns, share the cost, or find whatever rhythm works for both of you.

It’s not about forcing traditional gender roles onto a same-sex relationship. It’s about effort, consideration and not sitting there waiting for the other person to magically know what you expect.

And then there’s splitting the bill…

Now, I know some people will say, “Who cares? We’re both adults. We can just pay for our own food.”

Yes. We can.

But here’s where I think it gets interesting.

Splitting the bill on a first date can create this weird little emotional middle ground where neither person wants to owe the other anything.

And sometimes, that says more than you realise.

If I’m thinking, “I’ll pay for mine because I don’t want to owe you anything,” there’s a good chance I’m already unsure whether I want to see you again.

And if you’re thinking, “Let’s split it so they don’t think I owe them anything,” maybe you’re feeling exactly the same way.

It can almost become an unspoken “let’s keep this completely even because we have no idea where this is going” situation.

Whereas when someone simply says, “I’ve got this one,” it removes all of that awkwardness.

You enjoyed the date. They paid for dinner. If you both want another date, fantastic. You can return the gesture next time.

And if you don’t?

Nobody owes anybody anything.

Because let’s be very clear, dinner is not a transaction.

Paying for your meal does not buy a second date, a kiss, sex or anything else. It is simply a gesture.

Don’t make them ask

If you’ve asked someone out, don’t sit there waiting to see what happens when the bill arrives.

Don’t suddenly become fascinated by the ceiling or become a T-rex (short arms, can’t reach your wallet) 🤣

If you’re happy to pay, just pay.

A simple, “I’ve got dinner” is enough.

And you don’t need to wrestle someone for the bill to prove you’re independent. You can say, “Thank you, that’s lovely.”

You can accept a nice gesture without owing someone anything in return.

And if you really don’t feel comfortable with the other person paying, that’s completely different. Your comfort comes first.

So what happens after date one?

This is where I think things should become more balanced.

Reciprocity.

I don’t want a relationship where one person is constantly giving and the other is constantly taking.

If they get dinner, you get the next one. If they plan the date, maybe you plan the next one. You both make an effort. You both contribute.

Because ultimately, that’s what I’m looking for.

Not someone to fund my life.

Not someone keeping score.

Just someone who knows how to show up, make an effort and occasionally say, “I’ve got this.”

So yes, I’m going to say it again.

In a heterosexual first date, the man pays. In a same-sex first date, whoever asked for and arranged the date pays.

And if someone wants to split it right down the middle, I’m not saying that automatically means they’re cheap or uninterested.

But if they’re calculating your half of the calamari down to the last 47 cents on date one, and you’re sitting there thinking, “Well, I definitely don’t want to owe this person anything…”

Maybe listen to that feeling.

Because sometimes the bill isn’t really about the bill.

Sometimes it’s about what the two of you are already communicating without saying a word.

And personally?

I like someone who knows when to say, “I’ve got this one.”

Chivalry might not be dead.

But fuck me, it’s definitely been put on life support. 😂